CHESHIRE STORY/Part 1A: Beaming Isn't Good, My Dear Friend

[Deleted]

LINK TO PART 1: bannanachair.proboards.com/thread/2124/cheshire-story-1-introduction

The small, murky sun rises over Topu, the largest settlement in Kega. Most people aren't already up by now, but Antona Gavi is hard at work, deep within probability calculations. The cramped, square room he's in contains nothing but a table, two chairs, and a bright-green fluorescent light, along with one-way glass panes lining the left and right walls. Antona doesn't have much time to assume, but people are probably behind those panes, watching him work. Lined pieces of paper, scribbled all over with hard work, lay sprawled across the marble floor. "He's already on the last page," murmurs a figure hiding behind the glass. The others observe him and agree.

Antona finishes and signs the page with a shakily written signature before tossing it onto the floor and sighing. He looks at the glass, now almost sure that they're watching him. "It's no use," he says in a tired and strained voice. "They'll find out within a day." The figures are surprised. Mostly because Antona figured out that they were watching him. The Remedies aren't very smart. The largest, bulkiest figure in the small groups turns and walks toward a white door shortly after hearing Antona's opinion, exiting the small rectangular sections on either side of the so-called "figuring room" Antona is in. The man walks down a small set of stairs and enters the figuring room, sitting down on the chair facing Antona. Taking off his grayish trilby hat, the man speaks in a very deep voice, which quickly surprises Antona. "We have to act, fast. You know it." "I do," says Antona. "But it's almost suicide, trying to beam Viugo. Change that, it is suicide." The man sighs. "It's our last choice. They might even beam US." A flicker of a grimace appears on the man's face. "Unless you DO YOUR JOB, we will be beamed. And that's the last thing the Remedies need." "I-I'm sorry, Lord. It's just..." "Just what?" says the man. Antona remains quiet, almost speechless.

"That's what I thought."

The man picks himself up and walks out of the room, stepping directly on Antona's papers in the process. Just before fully exiting the figuring room, the 'Lord' turns around. "We don't want to die," he says. "It seems as if our lives are in all of the Mathes hands. And yes, those Mathes include you, Antona. They include you."

The 'Lord' then walks out, seemingly more agitated then normal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIUGO
COSMATIC DATE/-8876.17
It's been another week, and still nothing. The mechanics are working hard, day after day, but only one of the Deepers have been recovered. The orders for the new Deeps are still being processed, and they haven't arrived yet, either. It's hard to mine entire crevices with only a single Deeper. The giant machines take up a lot of space---about one crevice each, but they mine quite slowly. Especially when there's an electrical failure. It was only .01 cosmatics ago. In the past, before the occurrence, Patty Futser, the chairman of the Machine Board, attempted to fit multiple in a single crevice. Patty's always like that, always trying to fit more in something else. Once, a fuel leak triggered by faulty tank manufacturing lead to a huge explosion. It decimated the crevice and caused half of the Badland's caverns to collapse only from the explosion's shockwaves. Every worker in the area was instantly killed. After that, the Mach Board, which was a nickname adopted by Evolved citizens, took imminent action to install new Leak Avoidance Systems. And then, a month later, or .10 cosmatics in Times language, a collision between two Giver robots caused ANOTHER explosion, which lead to new Collision Avoidance Systems, and so on.

Due to robotic malfunctions, a lot of new rules came into effect, especially involving Givers and Deepers. It's sad, really. For example: due to those two incidents and a few other ones, Giver operators are now only allowed to travel set paths which won't come into contact with others, and Deepers now must only go in one individual crevice and have to initiate a special operations procedure at usage commencing which prevents leaks. Patty wasn't against any of these rules--and so weren't most of the people who lived in Viugo. Now things would be better.

As soon as the Remedies found out about the newly set rules, however, they began to get mad. More mad then ever before. And the Mach Board and Hoséphine's Services would never find out why...    

[Deleted]

bump??

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2016 19:54:52 GMT -4 snowy happy said:

Because I genuinely enjoy proofreading and editing, I'll be doing for that for your story as it progresses
Allow me to assure you that I am doing this for my own enjoyment, and to help you improve. 


Please be advised that comments and criticism will be coming from a subjective and objective stand-point. You may take or leave my corrections as you wish
Please also be advised that corrections will be made in blue colored text, and comments will be made in red colored text 


LINK TO PART 1: bannanachair.proboards.com/thread/2124/cheshire-story-1-introduction

The small, murky sun rises over Topu, the largest settlement in Kega. Most people aren't already (No need for this here. "Aren't up" is perfectly fine on it's own, and adding "already" just makes the sentence awkward.) up by now, but Antona Gavi is hard at work, deep within probability calculations. The cramped, square room he's in contains nothing but a table, two chairs, and a bright-green fluorescent light, along with one-way glass panes lining the left and right walls. |Antona doesn't have much time to assume, but people are probably behind those panes, watching him work. Lined pieces of paper, scribbled all over with hard work, lay sprawled across the marble floor. "He's already on the last page," murmurs a figure hiding behind the glass. The others observe him and agree.|

These sentences, marked between the two lines, have multiple problems as a whole. Namely the first one. 
1) The first sentence isn't needed at all. Firstly, because it doesn't read very well, and contradicts what you say and imply later. "People are probably behind the glass." You say, then immediately confirm that there are indeed people behind the glass. You then later confirm that Antona knew about the figures anyway, making the whole sentence redundant and unnecessary.

2) The description of his work sprawled across the floor is actually quite nice, props to you. If you choose to revise this, I'd suggest leaving that in.

3) "He's already on the last page," needs a period rather then a comma, as it is the end of the thought. I'd also like to get this out of the way now, as it's something you do frequently with dialogue later on (it was something I did for a very long time as well, so don't feel too bad.) Even if you end the thought with say a period or an exclamation point, you don't capitalize the what's after it if it's continuing the sentence as a whole. For instance;
"Stop right there!" screamed the guard  
"Then I guess we're done here." The detective walks out of the room 
Those are example of when to capitalize and when not to capitalize 

Antona finishes and signs the page with a shakily written signature before tossing it onto the floor and sighing. He looks at the glass, now almost sure that they're watching him. "It's no use," he says in a tired and strained voice. "They'll find out within a day." The figures are surprised. Mostly because Antona figured out that they were watching him. The Remedies aren't very smart. The largest, bulkiest figure in the small groups turns and walks toward a white door shortly after hearing Antona's opinion, exiting the small rectangular sections on either side of the so-called "figuring room" Antona is in. The man walks down a small set of stairs and enters the figuring room, sitting down on the chair facing Antona. Taking off his grayish trilby hat, the man speaks in a very deep voice, which quickly (I know you're going for a bit of extra description here, but it just makes the sentence awkward to read. A good tip for figuring out when something is awkward and when something isn't is to say it aloud to yourself, and see if it sounds right that way.) surprises Antona. "We have to act, fast. You know it." "I do," says Antona. "But it's almost suicide, trying to beam Viugo. Change that, it is suicide." The man sighs. "It's our last choice. They might even beam US." A flicker of a grimace appears on the man's face. "Unless you DO YOUR JOB, we will be beamed. And that's the last thing the Remedies need." "I-I'm sorry, Lord. It's just..." "Just what?" says the man. Antona remains quiet, almost speechless. (Once again I get what you're going for here, but your use of adverbs fucks it up. Remove the almost, and consider replacing "speechless" with "dumbfounded." Personal opinion, but I think it sounds nicer.

Also, also start a new paragraph when working with dialogue. If you don't, it just becomes a jumbled mess that's hard to understand 

"Hello Sally!" says Jimmy
"Hello to you, Jimmy!" replies Sally
"How is your puppy?"
"He's great!" 
Is far better than
"Hello Sally!" says Jimmy "Hello to you, Jimmy!" replies Sally "How is your puppy?" "He's great!"
If there's only a single space between two commas, you have a problem 

"That's what I thought."

The man picks himself up (Wrong description for this situation. It's not as if he's getting up from a fall, or from off the ground, he's merely getting off a chair. Suggestion: The man stands ups.) and walks out of the room, stepping directly (This is more of a nitpick, you really should calm down with the use of adverbs. I understand that you want to stylize your writing, I truly do, but you need to learn that sometimes it's best to be simple.) on Antona's papers in the process. Just before fully exiting the figuring room, the 'Lord' turns around. "We don't want to die," he says. "It seems as if our lives are in all of the Mathes hands. And yes, those Mathes include you, Antona. They include you."

The 'Lord' then walks out, seemingly more agitated then normal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIUGO
COSMATIC DATE/-8876.17
It's been another week, and still nothing. The mechanics are working hard, day after day, but only one of the Deepers have been recovered. The orders for the new Deeps are still being processed, and they haven't arrived yet, (Don't need this comma) either. It's hard to mine entire crevices with only a single Deeper. The giant machines take up a lot of space---about one crevice each, but they mine quite slowly. E (Change the period to a comma, and make the e lower case.) specially when there's an electrical failure. It was only .01 cosmatics ago. (This is an incredibly awkward transition. I'd suggest taking it out, as it adds little and makes the whole thing worse for it's non-existent contribution) In the past, before the occurrence, Patty Futser, the chairman of the Machine Board, attempted to fit multiple in a single crevice. Patty's always like that, always trying to fit more in something else. Once, a fuel leak triggered by faulty tank manufacturing lead to a huge explosion. It decimated the crevice and caused half of the Badland's caverns to collapse only from the explosion's shockwaves. Every worker in the area was instantly killed. After that, the Mach Board, which was a nickname adopted by Evolved citizens, took imminent action to install new Leak Avoidance Systems. And then, a month later, or .10 cosmatics in Times language, a collision between two Giver robots caused ANOTHER explosion, which lead to new Collision Avoidance Systems, and so on.

Due to robotic malfunctions, a lot of new rules came into effect, especially involving Givers and Deepers. It's sad, really. For example: due to those two incidents and a few other ones, (Bit of a preference thing, but I'd personally say "and a number of other ones." rather than "and a few other ones." Once again, just preference. Feel free to take it or leave it.) Giver operators are now only allowed to travel set paths which won't come into contact with others, and Deepers now must only go in one individual crevice and have to initiate a special operations procedure at usage commencing which prevents leaks. Patty wasn't against any of these rules--and so weren't (This "weren't" is a really silly addition. Say the sentence aloud to yourself and you'll see why. Suggestion: "and neither were most of the people who lived on Viugo." You also give Patty an out of character opinion in this part. You'd think someone like him, whose always trying to 'fit more in something else', would be against regulations that prevented him from going as far as he could. There must be something here pointing out why he did it, or it just doesn't fit the character.) most of the people who lived in Viugo. Now things would be better.

As soon as the Remedies found out about the newly set rules, however, they began to get mad. More mad then ever before. And the Mach Board and Hoséphine's Services would never find out why...    

It's pretty nice otherwise. Good work.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2016 23:31:16 GMT -4 @lego said:

Nov 1, 2016 19:54:52 GMT -4 snowy happy said:

Because I genuinely enjoy proofreading and editing, I'll be doing for that for your story as it progresses
Allow me to assure you that I am doing this for my own enjoyment, and to help you improve. 


Please be advised that comments and criticism will be coming from a subjective and objective stand-point. You may take or leave my corrections as you wish
Please also be advised that corrections will be made in blue colored text, and comments will be made in red colored text 


LINK TO PART 1: bannanachair.proboards.com/thread/2124/cheshire-story-1-introduction

The small, murky sun rises over Topu, the largest settlement in Kega. Most people aren't already (No need for this here. "Aren't up" is perfectly fine on it's own, and adding "already" just makes the sentence awkward.) up by now, but Antona Gavi is hard at work, deep within probability calculations. The cramped, square room he's in contains nothing but a table, two chairs, and a bright-green fluorescent light, along with one-way glass panes lining the left and right walls. |Antona doesn't have much time to assume, but people are probably behind those panes, watching him work. Lined pieces of paper, scribbled all over with hard work, lay sprawled across the marble floor. "He's already on the last page," murmurs a figure hiding behind the glass. The others observe him and agree.|

These sentences, marked between the two lines, have multiple problems as a whole. Namely the first one. 
1) The first sentence isn't needed at all. Firstly, because it doesn't read very well, and contradicts what you say and imply later. "People are probably behind the glass." You say, then immediately confirm that there are indeed people behind the glass. You then later confirm that Antona knew about the figures anyway, making the whole sentence redundant and unnecessary.

2) The description of his work sprawled across the floor is actually quite nice, props to you. If you choose to revise this, I'd suggest leaving that in.

3) "He's already on the last page," needs a period rather then a comma, as it is the end of the thought. I'd also like to get this out of the way now, as it's something you do frequently with dialogue later on (it was something I did for a very long time as well, so don't feel too bad.) Even if you end the thought with say a period or an exclamation point, you don't capitalize the what's after it if it's continuing the sentence as a whole. For instance;
"Stop right there!" screamed the guard  
"Then I guess we're done here." The detective walks out of the room 
Those are example of when to capitalize and when not to capitalize 

Antona finishes and signs the page with a shakily written signature before tossing it onto the floor and sighing. He looks at the glass, now almost sure that they're watching him. "It's no use," he says in a tired and strained voice. "They'll find out within a day." The figures are surprised. Mostly because Antona figured out that they were watching him. The Remedies aren't very smart. The largest, bulkiest figure in the small groups turns and walks toward a white door shortly after hearing Antona's opinion, exiting the small rectangular sections on either side of the so-called "figuring room" Antona is in. The man walks down a small set of stairs and enters the figuring room, sitting down on the chair facing Antona. Taking off his grayish trilby hat, the man speaks in a very deep voice, which quickly (I know you're going for a bit of extra description here, but it just makes the sentence awkward to read. A good tip for figuring out when something is awkward and when something isn't is to say it aloud to yourself, and see if it sounds right that way.) surprises Antona. "We have to act, fast. You know it." "I do," says Antona. "But it's almost suicide, trying to beam Viugo. Change that, it is suicide." The man sighs. "It's our last choice. They might even beam US." A flicker of a grimace appears on the man's face. "Unless you DO YOUR JOB, we will be beamed. And that's the last thing the Remedies need." "I-I'm sorry, Lord. It's just..." "Just what?" says the man. Antona remains quiet, almost speechless. (Once again I get what you're going for here, but your use of adverbs fucks it up. Remove the almost, and consider replacing "speechless" with "dumbfounded." Personal opinion, but I think it sounds nicer.

Also, also start a new paragraph when working with dialogue. If you don't, it just becomes a jumbled mess that's hard to understand 

"Hello Sally!" says Jimmy
"Hello to you, Jimmy!" replies Sally
"How is your puppy?"
"He's great!" 
Is far better than
"Hello Sally!" says Jimmy "Hello to you, Jimmy!" replies Sally "How is your puppy?" "He's great!"
If there's only a single space between two commas, you have a problem 

"That's what I thought."

The man picks himself up (Wrong description for this situation. It's not as if he's getting up from a fall, or from off the ground, he's merely getting off a chair. Suggestion: The man stands ups.) and walks out of the room, stepping directly (This is more of a nitpick, you really should calm down with the use of adverbs. I understand that you want to stylize your writing, I truly do, but you need to learn that sometimes it's best to be simple.) on Antona's papers in the process. Just before fully exiting the figuring room, the 'Lord' turns around. "We don't want to die," he says. "It seems as if our lives are in all of the Mathes hands. And yes, those Mathes include you, Antona. They include you."

The 'Lord' then walks out, seemingly more agitated then normal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIUGO
COSMATIC DATE/-8876.17
It's been another week, and still nothing. The mechanics are working hard, day after day, but only one of the Deepers have been recovered. The orders for the new Deeps are still being processed, and they haven't arrived yet, (Don't need this comma) either. It's hard to mine entire crevices with only a single Deeper. The giant machines take up a lot of space---about one crevice each, but they mine quite slowly. E (Change the period to a comma, and make the e lower case.) specially when there's an electrical failure. It was only .01 cosmatics ago. (This is an incredibly awkward transition. I'd suggest taking it out, as it adds little and makes the whole thing worse for it's non-existent contribution) In the past, before the occurrence, Patty Futser, the chairman of the Machine Board, attempted to fit multiple in a single crevice. Patty's always like that, always trying to fit more in something else. Once, a fuel leak triggered by faulty tank manufacturing lead to a huge explosion. It decimated the crevice and caused half of the Badland's caverns to collapse only from the explosion's shockwaves. Every worker in the area was instantly killed. After that, the Mach Board, which was a nickname adopted by Evolved citizens, took imminent action to install new Leak Avoidance Systems. And then, a month later, or .10 cosmatics in Times language, a collision between two Giver robots caused ANOTHER explosion, which lead to new Collision Avoidance Systems, and so on.

Due to robotic malfunctions, a lot of new rules came into effect, especially involving Givers and Deepers. It's sad, really. For example: due to those two incidents and a few other ones, (Bit of a preference thing, but I'd personally say "and a number of other ones." rather than "and a few other ones." Once again, just preference. Feel free to take it or leave it.) Giver operators are now only allowed to travel set paths which won't come into contact with others, and Deepers now must only go in one individual crevice and have to initiate a special operations procedure at usage commencing which prevents leaks. Patty wasn't against any of these rules--and so weren't (This "weren't" is a really silly addition. Say the sentence aloud to yourself and you'll see why. Suggestion: "and neither were most of the people who lived on Viugo." You also give Patty an out of character opinion in this part. You'd think someone like him, whose always trying to 'fit more in something else', would be against regulations that prevented him from going as far as he could. There must be something here pointing out why he did it, or it just doesn't fit the character.) most of the people who lived in Viugo. Now things would be better.

As soon as the Remedies found out about the newly set rules, however, they began to get mad. More mad then ever before. And the Mach Board and Hoséphine's Services would never find out why...    

It's pretty nice otherwise. Good work.

Thanks for the proofreading. Part 2 (named this Part 1a because of...reasons) comes out tomorrow. I'll try to fix this stuff up. The "say the sentence out loud" strategy is good, and I will try it. Just a quick word before I leave for the night: do you think you could tell others about this story? It seems as if you're the only one who's really viewed it so far.

[Deleted]

Nov 2, 2016 0:07:01 GMT -4 snowy happy said:

Nov 1, 2016 23:31:16 GMT -4 @lego said:

Thanks for the proofreading. Part 2 (named this Part 1a because of...reasons) comes out tomorrow. I'll try to fix this stuff up. The "say the sentence out loud" strategy is good, and I will try it. Just a quick word before I leave for the night: do you think you could tell others about this story? It seems as if you're the only one who's really viewed it so far.

The story is visible for anyone to see. If they want to read it, they will.