Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2016 8:54:55 GMT -4
This must be one of those stories where you couldn't quite decide on the tense, seeing as it fluctuates from present to past near the beginning and then settles on present for the rest of the story.
You seem to often forget the punctuation at the end of a dialogue tag
^kinda like that.
It makes it look like you lost your train of thought and just kind of awkwardly trailed off
"Alice grabs the boys hand,"
boy's
"Alice grabs the boys hand, and drags him out to the center"
You don't need a comma there unless you restate (or state a new) subject (noun).
"His path is blocked, however, when a large man, dressed in fine attire steps in front of him."
The commas don't add up. Either add one between "attire" and "steps," making a separate clause with commas both ends, or (more preferably) delete the comma between "man" and "dressed," making it all one subject.
There are probably other errors that I forgot to point out.
I enjoyed this story.
You seem to often forget the punctuation at the end of a dialogue tag
^kinda like that.
It makes it look like you lost your train of thought and just kind of awkwardly trailed off
"Alice grabs the boys hand,"
boy's
"Alice grabs the boys hand, and drags him out to the center"
You don't need a comma there unless you restate (or state a new) subject (noun).
"His path is blocked, however, when a large man, dressed in fine attire steps in front of him."
The commas don't add up. Either add one between "attire" and "steps," making a separate clause with commas both ends, or (more preferably) delete the comma between "man" and "dressed," making it all one subject.
There are probably other errors that I forgot to point out.
I enjoyed this story.