Recipes, Because Why Not

[Benzo]

Idk, I'm bored shitless, and while sitting here waiting for my food to cook, I decided I might jot down a few of my recipes as I use 'em in case any of you turkeys want to try it for yourself. For I am... The Gourmet! (Props if you get the reference)
Also, I'm a lazy piece of shit, so most of what I record is probably going to be minimal effort and require minimal effort.

Since I'm cooking jambalaya at the moment, (Got the craving after making an off-handed reference) I suppose I'll start with my Crock-Pot/Slow-cooker recipe for that.

Ingredients:
1 pkg. chicken breasts, approx 2 lbs
2 smoked sausages, about 1 lb each. (Actually 14 oz.)
1 Onion
2 cans of diced tomatoes (28 oz)
3 Cups chicken broth
Chili Powder
Dried red pepper (I suggest cayenne)
Oregano
Thyme
Garlic Powder, or crushed garlic cloves.
2 or 3 cups of rice(?)
(Yeah... I don't measure my spices. Use yer damn tongue and/or nose.)

Directions:
1) Chop everything applicable into size.
2) Throw all that shit into your slow cooker, spices too. Literally everything but the rice. Cook on low for 4-5 hours... Until it's warm, obviously.
3) Throw that rice in, turn to high for 30-60 minutes.
4) Eat the fuck out of your new jambalaya.



Bonus recipe, since grilling weather is... Well, I'm too late for that.
Idk what to call this, but it's good for chicken or steak.

Ingredients:
Soy Sauce
Teriyaki Sauce
Worcester Sauce
Maybe Hosin Sauce too, but I don't think so.

Directions:
1) Mix those sauces in equal proportions and marinate your selected meats in it for a few hours. The longer, the better.

2) After marinating, remove the meat and grill it. And don't be a wasteful ass; Use that leftover sauce to continually baste with. This is especially important with chicken, as it tends to dry out quickly.

3) Enjoy, then go to the ER after having your taste buds explode with pure ecstasy.

4) Particularly with steak, I suggest sautéing some buttered mushrooms to go on top; A good counter-balance to all the sharper, salty flavors. But blegh... Sautéing takes more than half an ass.

[Pawzkat]

marking

[LNG257]

also marked

[Dex]

I'll share a bolt and screw soup recipe my momdroid made for me.

Ingredients:
12 bolts
3 screws
1 cup of petrol
1 cup of antimatter

Directions:
1)Throw it all into a bowl that can stop the antimatter from exploding.
2)Heat the petrol until it bursts into flames.
3)Eat it quick otherwise it'll get too cold.

[LNG257]

Sept 21, 2016 13:13:56 GMT -4 Dex said:

momdroid

you mean a tube?

my mother was a tube. then I destroyed her so that I would be unique.

[Benzo]

Found this one in my phone logs, apparently having sent it to my dad's employee some time ago. Now, not as much of a 'hands off' project, but tasty nonetheless.
And it looks like this time I at least estimated my spices. (Those aren't my exact measurements; Don't be silly.)
Of course, as with any dish, the true Gourmet ingredient is YOU! We all have our uncommon tastes, so let yours guide you to culinary profit!

(If you still don't get the reference, I'm quoting 'The Gourmet' from Skyrim, author of 'An Uncommon Taste' which, hilariously enough, is legitimately a book you could cook from despite fantasy elements/dishes)


Anywho, here's some nice chicken stir fry. (I like Asian food... That will become more and more obvious.)



Ingredients:
Vegetable oil and Sesame oil, enough to sautee in. (At about 50/50 ratio)

2 to 3 pounds chicken breasts

1 bunch broccoli, cut into florets

1 package shiitake mushrooms

2 or 3 carrots, thinly sliced/coined

1 red bell pepper, chopped

1 onion, diced

1 can chicken broth (only used about half of a 2-cup can)

1/4 cup hoisin sauce

1 tablespoon soy sauce

2 teaspoons powdered ginger

2 tablespoons cornstarch



Directions:

1) In a large skillet, heat the oils over medium-high heat. Add the chicken and cook for 5 to 10 minutes, until it lightly browned.

2) Add broccoli, mushrooms, carrots, pepper, and onion and cook an additional 5 to 10 minutes, until vegetables begin to soften (Onions will become clear/transparent).

3) In a small bowl, combine broth, hoisin sauce, soy sauce, ginger, and cornstarch.

4) Pour over stir fry mixture and bring to a boil over medium-high heat.
Reduce heat to a lower simmer for about 5 more minutes, until the sauce begins to thickens.

5) Go treat the inevitable oil burns on your wrists

6) Maybe take some karate lessons to help fend off your family and neighbors as they smell what you made.

[Pawzkat]

Yo Benzo, do you mind if I share some recipes too?

[Benzo]

Aye, by all means, be my guest!
I have a nice Alfredo one, but I've been having trouble with the sauce. (It turns back into solid cheese every time, but there is honestly no better feeling than not using a jar sauce and managing to replicate that.)
Like, I think it was pineapple juice annnd... Teriyaki, I think? That'll get you an uncannily familiar sweet and sour taste.

[Pawzkat]

You need a recipe for Alfredo sauce? I might have one.

[Benzo]

Yeah, that would probably be incredibly helpful! My dad loves the dish more than anything, haha.
I've been using an Asiago/parmesan/romano cheese mix, with half-and-half cream. (Can't find any straight heavy cream, because my grocery stores apparently suck)

[Pawzkat]

Well shit, mine calls for heavy cream too, lmao. ]

1/2 cup butter
4 oz cream cheese, softened.
1 1/2 cup heavy cream.
1/2 cup milk.
2 clove garlic, minced.
2 cup grated Parmesan cheese.
1/8 cup chopped fresh parsley.

1. Melt butter in a medium saucepan over medium low heat.
2. Add the heavy cream and whisk in the cream cheese until smooth.
3. Add the milk, garlic, and cheese and whisk quickly, simmer for about five minutes or until heated through and smooth.
4. Serve and top with parsley. Yields eight servings.

[Bannanachair]

2 slices of bread
Some amount of cheese
Butter

1. Butter one side of each slice of bread
2. Put cheese between two slices of bread so that the cheese touches the unbuttered side
3. Grill until bread is a gold colour

This is literally the only thing I know how to cook.

[God Bebi Satan]

as a being of slavic origin, I will list a traditional recipe

Ingredients

-Potato
-Salt
-Vodka

Steps
1) Boil potato
2) Stop boiling potato
3) plate potato
4) salt potato
5) eat potato and drink vodka

[Benzo]

Random thought to occur, but as a heads up, anyone using these may actually want to cut back on the portions a bit.
Going in hand with me being lazy, I like to cook one asanine amount and say "Fuck it, feast on that for a week."
Particularly with that stir fry. If I'm remembering correctly, I ended up having to use two skillets at a time. And with them being completely different sizes... It was a huge pain in the ass; One you most likely want to avoid.

[Pawzkat]

Lmao. Maybe you should start listing portions when you post the recipe, that way we can double or halve at will. :P

[Benzo]

Pfft, too much prior thought for me, haha.

[Pawzkat]

Lmao, alright. I'll figure it out.

[The Jiggler]

Since myself enter originate Asian, this place that traditional recipe.

Flat Iron Puppy Steak With Three Pepper Rub

2 lbs flat iron puppy steaks (no older than six weeks)

1 tablespoon smoked paprika

2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon brown sugar

2 teaspoons chili powder

1 teaspoon dried chipotle powder

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

[Benzo]

Going to attempt chicken and dumplings, because God knows how long it's been since I've had it.
I'll jot down my experiment once it's done. Also note that I've never made my own bread of any shape or form; As such, I'm going to be lazy and use Bisquick biscuit mix for my dumplings.

[Benzo]

4 cups chicken broth
2 lbs chicken breast, cubed
1 onion, chopped
1 can peas, drained
1/2 package baby carrots (~8 Oz)
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 bay leaf
salt and ground black pepper
Thyme
4 cups baking mix (such as Bisquick)
1 1/3 cup milk
Garlic powder, barely enough to count

Combine chicken broth, chicken breast cubes, onion, carrots, peas, celery, bay leaf, salt, garlic and pepper in crock pot and cook on high until chicken is no longer pink in the center and the vegetables are tender, 30 to 45 minutes.

Mix baking mix and milk in a bowl until dough is sticky; Spoon dough onto cookie sheets, about golf-ball sized. Cook as directed. (10 minutes @450, most likely) Throw any leftover dough into the crock pot and mix well; This helps thicken the gravy... I made about 18 biscuits, for reference.


Done. Take a few biscuits, spoon some gravy over the top, and enjoy.

[debian budgie]

potato

1 potato
some salt
vat of oil

1. cut potato into little pieces, of very varying sizes
2. put them in fryer, until a few have burnt
3. pull them out, let oil drain out a little
4. rub excess oil off potato with some paper towels
5. rub salt on them
6. eat them off the paper towels like the animal you are

[Benzo]

18 biscuits wasn't enough...
Just a heads up to anyone using that last recipe. Came out deliciously, at least.

[Pawzkat]

Do you want a biscuit recipe, Benzo? We've made some in cooking a few months back, and they came out swell. (They also don't take long, as any and all recipes made in class have to be completed 1-2 40 minute slabs of time.)

[Benzo]

I never replied? Gah, sorry about that.
But nah, it's basically just flour, water, and a shitload of waiting, right? (If you have some weird recipe for it though, like these Hawaiian yeast rolls or w/e I just had, then fuck yes I want that recipe, lol)



Also... It's chili season, fuckers;

Ingredients:
2lb ground beef
1large onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped, or garlic powder
1can (28 oz) diced tomatoes, undrained
1can (16 oz) chili beans in sauce, undrained (Red or Kidney, basically the same damn thing.)
1can (15 oz) tomato sauce
Chili powder, obviously
ground cumin
Red/Cayenne pepper, powder
salt
pepper
Jalapeño peppers, to taste/preference, ringed (I use 4 or 5, and that gets it decently spicy)
(I've seen some people prefer a beanier chili? You can double the bean amount, or half the beef. I prefer it as mostly meat in sauce.)


1) Cook the beef and onion in large skillet until browned. You've done this, right? Just 10 minutes or so. Season with the salt and pepper.

2) Transfer over to your handy crock pot/slow cooker, and throw the rest of your ingredients in.

3) Low for about 8 hours or High for about 5 or 6. Some people insist time adds to the flavor, but pffft, some people obviously just aren't hungry.

4) If using jalapeños, stay the FUCK away from the bathroom for at least three hours, maybe four just to be safe.
That's a mistake you only make once, folks.


Enjoy!

[Pawzkat]

Lmao, no I'm pretty sure they're just regular biscuits. Nothing weird.

Hey hey hey since it's the holidays, now's the time for ultimate baking sessions™, giving baked sweets and such instead of actual gifts since you're poor. I've got a pretty tasty cupcake & icing recipe, although it's probably the same as most recipes.