Post by Danonymous on Dec 27, 2023 23:29:27 GMT -4
trigger warning: depression, drug abuse, referencing suicide at the end, me being an intolerable piece of shit, etc.
hi, danny here, the annoying snowman cunt from ireland. or, perhaps you remember me as "snowverlord", "dano", "reisfeldz", "donut guy", among other names.
it's nice to see that people still hop on bannanachair, albeit sporadically. i've checked in a few times throughout the year--twice i've drafted up some super-pitiful and unnecessarily long vents (alternatively, they can be seen as unhinged, attention-seeking life stories), but both times i ended up deleting them after a few thousand words.
here i go doing that again! but hey, i'm not going to overshare too much this time. i'll just keep it concise and make it seem like i still have a drop of self-respect left (EDIT: no. i didn't keep it concise, and no, it's clear to everyone that i'm self-sabotaging and willingly tarnishing my name because i love acting on impulse and i'm a narcissistic scrotebag. but hey, at least i kept the whole post shorter than 2k words)
so, to cut it short, my life has been nothing short of pathetic recently.
well, it always has been, but i've been reflecting on my life recently and felt it necessary to disclose a part of that to you all. firstly, i want to apologise to everyone here as i was such an unlikeable piece of shit back when i was a kid. i'm not going to make any excuses for why i was the way i was, no, instead i'll admit to a few major faults of mine:
- i was hypocritical
> i think. i do not recall any particular instance of hypocrisy on either the rpf or here but it is an inherent trait of mine
- i was a fucking CREEP and lowkey predatory to some people here
> i harassed certain people i had a crush on (both men and women) because i was a horny, hormonal fuck
- even if it wasn't obvious, i was judgemental of others' writing styles and never wanted to improve my own
- and conversely, i was oft jealous.
> at times, i get really bad impostor syndrome. i envied to draw like purringthunder, i aimed to have an edgy and brooding personality like z0rr0w, and i wished i could've ascended to rpf godhood like timpookie
- i was an egotistical, narcissistic prick, and i still am.
> okay, cool, OP's admitting to being irritating as a kid, so what? well, if you wanted to roleplay normally instead of dealing with constant OOCs about how "this is not how it's done in the military because i am a high rank in a roblox superclan and i know more about army tactics than you!", i wouldn't let you because i was unbearable to deal with
so if i ever faulted anyone here under one of these points, i want to apologise to you personally. alternatively, feel free to call me out on this thread, i deserve every bit of hate coming my way.
alright, let's move on. buckle up, here comes the attention-seeking pity store that i can't stop myself from writing.
for those that care, let's talk about my degree--or lack thereof. i have been working towards a BSc in computer science, and would be in my final (fourth) year of study. in reality, i am repeating stage two (second year). technically, i got held back once, not twice, and i can discuss what exactly happened to me in my 3 3/4 years in college if yous want, but i digress; because of many different setbacks including my chronic depression that presented themselves to me in the last 3 3/4 years, i have now completely lost interest in practically every aspect of a fulfilling life besides living as a NEET (a shut-in, a waster, a gremlin, etc.). i am dropping out soon, hopefully passing at least one module to be awarded a university diploma (which, hey, is at least better than having a leaving certificate as my only qualification). after that, i seek neither to find professional work, to pursue my degree again and earn it, nor even to look for a basic job like the retail/hospitality roles i have in the past. i just want to be on my pc every day and play games until 9 in the morning, or watch tv and other things a pc is used for. mostly gaming, though.
i'll summarise every major setback that's happened to me in 2023 alone, in chronological order:
- i started to drink heavily, practically everyday, again
> this issue began in 2021 but i thought i finally curbed it in 2022. guess i was wrong, and no day goes without me having drank at least 35 centilitres of whiskey or gin, or their equivalent in beer
- i started to get stoned often again
> to make matters worse, in the last two months, i've been vaping HHC. i can now safely blacken my lungs again and go braindead in the comfort of my room
- i started taking ketamine every now and then, and then somehow thought it was a good idea to start doing meth
- got sacked from my job for stealing chardonnay from the company stockroom
> and oft drinking it on my break. yeah, the smell was incredibly obvious. good luck using that employer as a reference, heh
- my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out i lied about going to rehab for drinking... for the fourth time this year
> can't help myself. it's what we addicts do: lie
the culmination of all these issues, paired with my decade-long depression and my neurodivergence resulted in me becoming disillusioned with myself and my field of study, ultimately leading me to apply for withdrawal (from my studies). so, here i am, having spent 90% of the last two months behind my pc writing a post on this board--only leaving my room to get food, to use the toilet and shower, to go to an AA meeting or to my counsellor on campus, to take an exam, or to go to the off-licence to get more alcohol. i turned 22 last month and by no means do i think what i'm choosing to use my time for is normal or healthy. instead, i am dwelling in my own misery and feeling sorry for myself, maybe attempting to gain sympathy points for being so damn helpless. at least i am self-aware to some extent.
i want to touch on a separate incident a few months ago, when my now ex-girlfriend found one of the drafts i wanted to post on bannanachair. in that draft, i mentioned i was doing meth and drinking everyday. my assurances before her discovery were these points respectively:
- i never did meth and i would never do it, not even to try it
- i stopped drinking and was going to AA every monday night
> how did i lie about going to AA? well, the meeting-place was a five minute walk from my gaff, and i'd send her pics of me at the entrance, only to go silent for an hour to go to the nearest wetherspoons to drown my sorrows instead of actively seeking rehabilitation for my drinking problem. ironic, isn't it?
understandably, she was pissed off that i'd rather open up about those issues on a forum where i barely knew everyone than to her, to which my excuse was "yeah these guys have a special place in my heart because i used to roleplay with them as a kid blah blah blah". great boyfriend material right here, everyone. i really miss her, but it's probably for the best if she doesn't want to think about me ever again after all the lies i've subjected her to. too many times have i exploited her kindness and sympathy, like i have with past relationships.
so what am i hoping to accomplish by telling you all this? well, i just wanted to spill my heart out to you all. maybe i just want advice or pity, or maybe to be judged harshly for not taking the right steps to combat my problems, or maybe it's simply because i want any attention--positive or negative--that i can get. it's a weak and laughable argument, i know, but i don't really have many friends left to confide in, and the few that have not completely cut me off, well they'll probably leave me if i opened up to them directly (trust me. in my experience, if you're mentally ill and don't actively work towards getting better or to heed your friends' advice, they will leave you, and IT'S DESERVED). don't get me wrong, i am not using bannanachair as the sole outlet for my problems; i do go to AA every now and then (and get nothing out of it because i refuse to do anything to change my predicament), and i meet with my university's counsellor regularly. unfortunately, i will be having my last meeting with him sometime in january because i will no longer be registered as a student. he advised me to find a local practitioner or get my doctor to refer me to a mental health professional through the public health system. haha, i asked for a referral three years ago and i am still on the waiting list. ireland's public healthcare system is, in my opinion, worse than america's, and many people have been on the waiting list for years longer than me for something as simple as an adhd diagnosis. i know, though, that i can't rely on professionals to somehow cure me of mental illness; the onus is on me, and instead i consistently choose to sabotage my own recovery for no good reason at all.
so there, an update on my pathetic life. this time, i'll actually post the vent, and not delete it immediately all just to wait another few months to post another version. i'm not going to be cliche and say that i'm looking to get better, because quite frankly, i'd be lying not only to others but to myself. i'm giving up for the last time before i start to feel properly, PROPERLY hopeless again and end up really doing it. i'm sorry for all the wrong i've done to everyone here in the past, and i'm sorry you had to read this shit that i just couldn't keep to myself. don't think too much about me, though. instead, use me as an example of why you should not lie to yourself and others, stay positive, stay in school and don't do drugs. maybe redemption is possible for me somewhere down the line when i actually get my shit together, but for now, i am perfectly content with being a professional waster of my own time. feel free to make fun of me below.
p.s. if you want to game with me, let me know below and shoot me a friend request on discord, my handle is simply "absent" without the quotation marks.
tl;dr life sucks; i threw away my education because of drug and relationship issues in favour of being chronically online; i cry for attention yet again.
links: the irish leaving certificate (link here), HHC (link here), wetherspoons (link here)
hi, danny here, the annoying snowman cunt from ireland. or, perhaps you remember me as "snowverlord", "dano", "reisfeldz", "donut guy", among other names.
it's nice to see that people still hop on bannanachair, albeit sporadically. i've checked in a few times throughout the year--twice i've drafted up some super-pitiful and unnecessarily long vents (alternatively, they can be seen as unhinged, attention-seeking life stories), but both times i ended up deleting them after a few thousand words.
here i go doing that again! but hey, i'm not going to overshare too much this time. i'll just keep it concise and make it seem like i still have a drop of self-respect left (EDIT: no. i didn't keep it concise, and no, it's clear to everyone that i'm self-sabotaging and willingly tarnishing my name because i love acting on impulse and i'm a narcissistic scrotebag. but hey, at least i kept the whole post shorter than 2k words)
so, to cut it short, my life has been nothing short of pathetic recently.
well, it always has been, but i've been reflecting on my life recently and felt it necessary to disclose a part of that to you all. firstly, i want to apologise to everyone here as i was such an unlikeable piece of shit back when i was a kid. i'm not going to make any excuses for why i was the way i was, no, instead i'll admit to a few major faults of mine:
- i was hypocritical
> i think. i do not recall any particular instance of hypocrisy on either the rpf or here but it is an inherent trait of mine
- i was a fucking CREEP and lowkey predatory to some people here
> i harassed certain people i had a crush on (both men and women) because i was a horny, hormonal fuck
- even if it wasn't obvious, i was judgemental of others' writing styles and never wanted to improve my own
- and conversely, i was oft jealous.
> at times, i get really bad impostor syndrome. i envied to draw like purringthunder, i aimed to have an edgy and brooding personality like z0rr0w, and i wished i could've ascended to rpf godhood like timpookie
- i was an egotistical, narcissistic prick, and i still am.
> okay, cool, OP's admitting to being irritating as a kid, so what? well, if you wanted to roleplay normally instead of dealing with constant OOCs about how "this is not how it's done in the military because i am a high rank in a roblox superclan and i know more about army tactics than you!", i wouldn't let you because i was unbearable to deal with
so if i ever faulted anyone here under one of these points, i want to apologise to you personally. alternatively, feel free to call me out on this thread, i deserve every bit of hate coming my way.
alright, let's move on. buckle up, here comes the attention-seeking pity store that i can't stop myself from writing.
for those that care, let's talk about my degree--or lack thereof. i have been working towards a BSc in computer science, and would be in my final (fourth) year of study. in reality, i am repeating stage two (second year). technically, i got held back once, not twice, and i can discuss what exactly happened to me in my 3 3/4 years in college if yous want, but i digress; because of many different setbacks including my chronic depression that presented themselves to me in the last 3 3/4 years, i have now completely lost interest in practically every aspect of a fulfilling life besides living as a NEET (a shut-in, a waster, a gremlin, etc.). i am dropping out soon, hopefully passing at least one module to be awarded a university diploma (which, hey, is at least better than having a leaving certificate as my only qualification). after that, i seek neither to find professional work, to pursue my degree again and earn it, nor even to look for a basic job like the retail/hospitality roles i have in the past. i just want to be on my pc every day and play games until 9 in the morning, or watch tv and other things a pc is used for. mostly gaming, though.
i'll summarise every major setback that's happened to me in 2023 alone, in chronological order:
- i started to drink heavily, practically everyday, again
> this issue began in 2021 but i thought i finally curbed it in 2022. guess i was wrong, and no day goes without me having drank at least 35 centilitres of whiskey or gin, or their equivalent in beer
- i started to get stoned often again
> to make matters worse, in the last two months, i've been vaping HHC. i can now safely blacken my lungs again and go braindead in the comfort of my room
- i started taking ketamine every now and then, and then somehow thought it was a good idea to start doing meth
- got sacked from my job for stealing chardonnay from the company stockroom
> and oft drinking it on my break. yeah, the smell was incredibly obvious. good luck using that employer as a reference, heh
- my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out i lied about going to rehab for drinking... for the fourth time this year
> can't help myself. it's what we addicts do: lie
the culmination of all these issues, paired with my decade-long depression and my neurodivergence resulted in me becoming disillusioned with myself and my field of study, ultimately leading me to apply for withdrawal (from my studies). so, here i am, having spent 90% of the last two months behind my pc writing a post on this board--only leaving my room to get food, to use the toilet and shower, to go to an AA meeting or to my counsellor on campus, to take an exam, or to go to the off-licence to get more alcohol. i turned 22 last month and by no means do i think what i'm choosing to use my time for is normal or healthy. instead, i am dwelling in my own misery and feeling sorry for myself, maybe attempting to gain sympathy points for being so damn helpless. at least i am self-aware to some extent.
i want to touch on a separate incident a few months ago, when my now ex-girlfriend found one of the drafts i wanted to post on bannanachair. in that draft, i mentioned i was doing meth and drinking everyday. my assurances before her discovery were these points respectively:
- i never did meth and i would never do it, not even to try it
- i stopped drinking and was going to AA every monday night
> how did i lie about going to AA? well, the meeting-place was a five minute walk from my gaff, and i'd send her pics of me at the entrance, only to go silent for an hour to go to the nearest wetherspoons to drown my sorrows instead of actively seeking rehabilitation for my drinking problem. ironic, isn't it?
understandably, she was pissed off that i'd rather open up about those issues on a forum where i barely knew everyone than to her, to which my excuse was "yeah these guys have a special place in my heart because i used to roleplay with them as a kid blah blah blah". great boyfriend material right here, everyone. i really miss her, but it's probably for the best if she doesn't want to think about me ever again after all the lies i've subjected her to. too many times have i exploited her kindness and sympathy, like i have with past relationships.
so what am i hoping to accomplish by telling you all this? well, i just wanted to spill my heart out to you all. maybe i just want advice or pity, or maybe to be judged harshly for not taking the right steps to combat my problems, or maybe it's simply because i want any attention--positive or negative--that i can get. it's a weak and laughable argument, i know, but i don't really have many friends left to confide in, and the few that have not completely cut me off, well they'll probably leave me if i opened up to them directly (trust me. in my experience, if you're mentally ill and don't actively work towards getting better or to heed your friends' advice, they will leave you, and IT'S DESERVED). don't get me wrong, i am not using bannanachair as the sole outlet for my problems; i do go to AA every now and then (and get nothing out of it because i refuse to do anything to change my predicament), and i meet with my university's counsellor regularly. unfortunately, i will be having my last meeting with him sometime in january because i will no longer be registered as a student. he advised me to find a local practitioner or get my doctor to refer me to a mental health professional through the public health system. haha, i asked for a referral three years ago and i am still on the waiting list. ireland's public healthcare system is, in my opinion, worse than america's, and many people have been on the waiting list for years longer than me for something as simple as an adhd diagnosis. i know, though, that i can't rely on professionals to somehow cure me of mental illness; the onus is on me, and instead i consistently choose to sabotage my own recovery for no good reason at all.
so there, an update on my pathetic life. this time, i'll actually post the vent, and not delete it immediately all just to wait another few months to post another version. i'm not going to be cliche and say that i'm looking to get better, because quite frankly, i'd be lying not only to others but to myself. i'm giving up for the last time before i start to feel properly, PROPERLY hopeless again and end up really doing it. i'm sorry for all the wrong i've done to everyone here in the past, and i'm sorry you had to read this shit that i just couldn't keep to myself. don't think too much about me, though. instead, use me as an example of why you should not lie to yourself and others, stay positive, stay in school and don't do drugs. maybe redemption is possible for me somewhere down the line when i actually get my shit together, but for now, i am perfectly content with being a professional waster of my own time. feel free to make fun of me below.
p.s. if you want to game with me, let me know below and shoot me a friend request on discord, my handle is simply "absent" without the quotation marks.
tl;dr life sucks; i threw away my education because of drug and relationship issues in favour of being chronically online; i cry for attention yet again.
links: the irish leaving certificate (link here), HHC (link here), wetherspoons (link here)
