Post by sk8 on Oct 20, 2020 2:13:22 GMT -4
So I've enjoyed a fair amount of writing since I started English 101. I can't say whether or not my grammar is great, but the passion is progressively growing. So, because of this increased interest, mixed with the boredom I'm feeling right now and some random late night, I'm just going to talk about this place. Not because it's anything special or that you guys need to hear, I probably have one of the tamest stories, and I don't really care if anyone reads it, I just want to say it (as making things for myself rather than others is something I'm slowly learning to do).
At first this place, for me, was the epitome of "the internet won't treat you any nicer just because you're young/new". I came in during mid 2014, the summer between 6th and 7th grade. All of my life up to this point, while I thought I was cool and serious, I was just some happy kid. I had some signs of later depression that would come up looking back, mostly in the way I perceived loneliness, but at the time I was just trying to have fun. I had many creative endeavors: plans of writing books, starting bands, and making video games; all of which failed do to having the skills and responsibility of your average kid. I had friends who I usually felt like I belonged with. I had problems; I grew up well below the poverty line, and didn't even reach the lower class status until around 3rd/4th grade, but other than food and clothing that didn't seem to have major effects on how I managed to live. I could look past it all. And apparently I did, most people who knew me then say I always had a smile on my face.
When I first starting coming here, I'd say that was the beginning of my loss of innocence, at least this childlike innocence. Up to this point, my only real social experiences on the internet were with Roblox games or websites like AdventureQuest or EpicDuel. When I created my first rp I had no idea how much detail was supposed to go into them, I didn't think grammar mattered because of how little grammar Roblox games used, there was no background information other than a few civilizations, you get the point. Needless to say, it was nothing good. But, I was proud of it, not because it showed any writing skill, but I just liked coming up with ideas and that was the closest I had gotten at that point to completing one of my projects, simply because it was ready to start.
The rpf community did not like it however. They had a standard that my little roleplay didn't meet. That I would've understood if it were explained, which it eventually was. However, within that thread, the first few pages were full of people making jokes about me being a special needs. Those jokes are sadly standard for internet humor, but it was really hurtful to me personally for two reasons: 1. I specifically stated that I was gifted, and that's always a target for the "which kind of gifted?" jokes. Those jokes I had dealt with since being in the program, despite everyone claiming me as "smartest kid in the school" for winning various spelling bees, math contests (I was one of those math field day kids up through 10th grade), and so on. 2. My older brother actually has various issues resulting from problems at birth. After watching him be bullied physically and mentally for years, I always hated that words like 'retarded' are just thrown around. Also, I was scared of being in his position myself, and paranoid that the forum could somehow do that. The forum also made jokes at my religious beliefs (some of you know, I am a Christian), and while that doesn't bother me today, that was my first time people acted negatively towards me about it.
Eventually, I guess some people saw that I wasn't leaving, so some were nice. I was invited to a collab with a few other people, I don't quite remember who, and the name of the rp escapes me (I remember it started with an E, and had something to do with prison). Others would give me private grammar lessons, as my exact words before they started helping were "I don't care about grammar" (back then I hated all English classes simply because I hate handwriting). I started joining a few roleplays, my writing improved, and I slowly became a small part of the community. I always felt the need to be a bigger part of the community, I thought I needed to be recognized and remembered by the people at the top (this was towards the end of the infamous war between Tim and I believe Soard). I kept posting, started drawing, and tried whatever to seek validity by becoming a well known member of the group. I never reached it, at my peak I was only recognized by a few at the top from my memory, and I'd say I was mid tier. But I still wanted it.
I can't blame this place solely for my loss of innocence at all. A big part of it was public middle school, and I'd say delving into different forms of media as well as my friends beginning to find the emo path contributed. However, this place did play a role. Exposure to the internet, which I guess had to happen at some point anyways. Something about it created a false validity that I wasn't going to achieve because I was to scared of the higher ups to make meaningful relationships with most of them, and I simply wasn't achieving the post counts which were treated as some sort of merit. It made me feel that my skill as a writer and later an artist determined my worth to this community, which translated to me feeling similar about many things in real life. It seemed to celebrate cynicism and narcissism, causing me to embrace them. I turned from the kid with all of these ideas, to the kid who fought between narcissism and a lack of self worth. It made me think I could use being rude as a method of teaching others who wanted to learn writing or drawing because "that's what worked for me", despite me not realizing I learned a lot more from those who were nice to me. It didn't cause my issues with depression, but it added gasoline to the flame.
Looking back, I don't know if I would change it. On one hand, it cause or at least worsened developing issues that would later grow into real problems (that's another story). On the other hand, it did improve my writing and drawing abilities a lot. I also made some friends here, or at least I felt they were friends. I had some good late night conversations, and on occasion, felt like I was part of the group, which at the time seemed a lot more important than it actually was. During 7th and early 8th grade in particular, my friendship with one of my best friends in real life became weird, as he began "dating" (middle school romance), and felt like I was following him around too much, but I didn't have strong enough friendships with others yet to hang out with them consistently. During that point, I felt like I could at least come here and I'd have some friends. Plus, everything that has happened has helped shape who I am today. So I don't really think I would change anything.
At first this place, for me, was the epitome of "the internet won't treat you any nicer just because you're young/new". I came in during mid 2014, the summer between 6th and 7th grade. All of my life up to this point, while I thought I was cool and serious, I was just some happy kid. I had some signs of later depression that would come up looking back, mostly in the way I perceived loneliness, but at the time I was just trying to have fun. I had many creative endeavors: plans of writing books, starting bands, and making video games; all of which failed do to having the skills and responsibility of your average kid. I had friends who I usually felt like I belonged with. I had problems; I grew up well below the poverty line, and didn't even reach the lower class status until around 3rd/4th grade, but other than food and clothing that didn't seem to have major effects on how I managed to live. I could look past it all. And apparently I did, most people who knew me then say I always had a smile on my face.
When I first starting coming here, I'd say that was the beginning of my loss of innocence, at least this childlike innocence. Up to this point, my only real social experiences on the internet were with Roblox games or websites like AdventureQuest or EpicDuel. When I created my first rp I had no idea how much detail was supposed to go into them, I didn't think grammar mattered because of how little grammar Roblox games used, there was no background information other than a few civilizations, you get the point. Needless to say, it was nothing good. But, I was proud of it, not because it showed any writing skill, but I just liked coming up with ideas and that was the closest I had gotten at that point to completing one of my projects, simply because it was ready to start.
The rpf community did not like it however. They had a standard that my little roleplay didn't meet. That I would've understood if it were explained, which it eventually was. However, within that thread, the first few pages were full of people making jokes about me being a special needs. Those jokes are sadly standard for internet humor, but it was really hurtful to me personally for two reasons: 1. I specifically stated that I was gifted, and that's always a target for the "which kind of gifted?" jokes. Those jokes I had dealt with since being in the program, despite everyone claiming me as "smartest kid in the school" for winning various spelling bees, math contests (I was one of those math field day kids up through 10th grade), and so on. 2. My older brother actually has various issues resulting from problems at birth. After watching him be bullied physically and mentally for years, I always hated that words like 'retarded' are just thrown around. Also, I was scared of being in his position myself, and paranoid that the forum could somehow do that. The forum also made jokes at my religious beliefs (some of you know, I am a Christian), and while that doesn't bother me today, that was my first time people acted negatively towards me about it.
Eventually, I guess some people saw that I wasn't leaving, so some were nice. I was invited to a collab with a few other people, I don't quite remember who, and the name of the rp escapes me (I remember it started with an E, and had something to do with prison). Others would give me private grammar lessons, as my exact words before they started helping were "I don't care about grammar" (back then I hated all English classes simply because I hate handwriting). I started joining a few roleplays, my writing improved, and I slowly became a small part of the community. I always felt the need to be a bigger part of the community, I thought I needed to be recognized and remembered by the people at the top (this was towards the end of the infamous war between Tim and I believe Soard). I kept posting, started drawing, and tried whatever to seek validity by becoming a well known member of the group. I never reached it, at my peak I was only recognized by a few at the top from my memory, and I'd say I was mid tier. But I still wanted it.
I can't blame this place solely for my loss of innocence at all. A big part of it was public middle school, and I'd say delving into different forms of media as well as my friends beginning to find the emo path contributed. However, this place did play a role. Exposure to the internet, which I guess had to happen at some point anyways. Something about it created a false validity that I wasn't going to achieve because I was to scared of the higher ups to make meaningful relationships with most of them, and I simply wasn't achieving the post counts which were treated as some sort of merit. It made me feel that my skill as a writer and later an artist determined my worth to this community, which translated to me feeling similar about many things in real life. It seemed to celebrate cynicism and narcissism, causing me to embrace them. I turned from the kid with all of these ideas, to the kid who fought between narcissism and a lack of self worth. It made me think I could use being rude as a method of teaching others who wanted to learn writing or drawing because "that's what worked for me", despite me not realizing I learned a lot more from those who were nice to me. It didn't cause my issues with depression, but it added gasoline to the flame.
Looking back, I don't know if I would change it. On one hand, it cause or at least worsened developing issues that would later grow into real problems (that's another story). On the other hand, it did improve my writing and drawing abilities a lot. I also made some friends here, or at least I felt they were friends. I had some good late night conversations, and on occasion, felt like I was part of the group, which at the time seemed a lot more important than it actually was. During 7th and early 8th grade in particular, my friendship with one of my best friends in real life became weird, as he began "dating" (middle school romance), and felt like I was following him around too much, but I didn't have strong enough friendships with others yet to hang out with them consistently. During that point, I felt like I could at least come here and I'd have some friends. Plus, everything that has happened has helped shape who I am today. So I don't really think I would change anything.
