Post by Baise-moi on Jul 3, 2019 2:36:58 GMT -4
This will probably end up being a short (read: short novel-sized) series of rants on various subjects that have affected my personal life. I don't really want to touch on any one of them in too fine of detail but will be referring to them as broad concepts. If anyone wants to contribute with their own experiences, advice, feelings, or literally anything (as long as I'm not getting people acting like assholes), then feel completely free to do so, especially if you relate to any of these.
Note: I split it up by titles so that it doesn't seem like one large essay, and each one could be commented on or read individually.
RANT 1: FRIENDS
To start off with the more specific aspects of my life, I have a totally dysfunctional group of friends who I love but I spend a lot of energy trying to keep them together and be there for them during all of their hardships and arguments. I've lost a lot of them because of some of these fights and only now have a few, who I value - and I don't regret losing the others as they pretty much showed their true colors - but my two best friends are in a relationship that I kind of third-wheel (and for some reason they enjoy this) and they fight ... a lot. It's a big argument every week at least, I would say. It's taxing on me because I try to help them through it (they ask, and I also feel obligated because it's my friendships too) but they're so damned stubborn and it takes forever to resolve anything. I'm just tired of the fighting because it's what I go through every day at home since I clash with my parents a lot due to my dad being a controlling dickhead and my mom always wanting more out of me than I feel I'm capable of - she never recognizes my efforts for anything, ever; in school, in trying to please her, in my personality. And the two of them fight all the time to the point where I have to constantly wonder if this is what real relationships look like and if healthy ones exist. I have to question every day how the two of them are still married and not separated. Anyways, I'll get to this later since it's a point of its own, but the concept I was getting at was that the fighting between everyone in my life is so fucking exhausting and having to deal with it between my friends does nothing to help that. The group fucks with my head so much, too - the girl in the relationship keeps, in simple terms, ditching her boyfriend to be with her ex for seemingly no goddamn reason at all, and it's getting tiresome. It's happened like 3-4 times by now and she hasn't accepted I guess that he's a control freak and a total ass and doesn't even trust her. The amount of times she's broken it off with him only to get back with him, and the amount of times it's fucked with my OTHER friend's head is astounding. Our dynamic as friends is always precarious and feels ready to break at any moment because of shit like this.
RANT 2: FAMILY
Anyways, onto my family and the issues surrounding them. I won't go into all of them because it's personal, but my dad is emotionally abusive and my mom is no help either. I also mentioned that my dad is controlling, to a point where I almost have to ask to get myself a simple drink. I can't use the microwave and oven because I don't know how, and it's fucking embarrassing - all because he's never allowed me to use them in his presence. I've grown up not knowing how to do the simplest shit because I've never been allowed to. I'm hardly allowed downstairs because if I am I have to have a good reason for it other than I fucking live here. I get bitched at constantly for small shit that shouldn't even matter - like, legitimately small shit. For example, the aforementioned getting myself something to drink. I get sworn at and called all sorts of names for everything I do, god forbid I act a certain way or do a certain thing. I can't do anything in this house without worry of having him get angry with me. And when I do get into an argument about it my mom steps in and tells us BOTH to stop and that we're both in the wrong. Well, like, thanks, but just because he's my dad doesn't mean I shouldn't stand up for myself when he's being an ass? I feel helpless and powerless since I can never do anything, and if I backtalk my mom she usually uses something as leverage against me or just shouts over me. My dad lost his job because he was an alcoholic and drank on the job seven years ago and I'm being told I can't do shit by a guy who hasn't worked in years and is well younger than retirement age. It's fucking bullshit. I don't have a ton to complain about with my mom, mostly because that's where a lot of the personal shit comes in, but essentially she appreciates literally no effort I put into anything. She knows I studied like hell for my Calculus course but god forbid I get an 82 because that's not good enough and brings my average down. She gets frustrated at me over nothing (definitely not limited to that) all the time and I always constantly feel like I'm the son they never wanted because they sure act like it. I'm definitely not living up to their expectations. And then my brother gets it much better, and it seems like they love him so much. Oh, right. No, they have told me before that they love him more than me, and that when we get into a feud they'll always take his side. Because he's younger, or because they care about him more, or because reasons. I've been given all three. My family has just never given me the affection I've felt desperate for and as y'all can see that has had a profound effect on my life. I'm not about to pretend that my family is the worst in the world, but they are far, far from the best and I really do not love them. As far as my other relatives go I've hardly been allowed to see them, the ones that do live here.
RANT 3: whatever the fuck this is not gonna lie
You know the saying if it can go wrong, it will? That's especially true about my life. It's felt like - no, it HAS been like, everything that could possibly go wrong has and will because I actually have the worst luck on the planet. This is obviously a hard thing to describe an anecdote for, especially since it's more in the grand scheme of things (you have to compile a ton of stuff together to realize "wow, that is some absurdly horrible luck") but it's like the universe actually hates me. Nothing ever goes my way, even when I desperately want or need it to. That's why no one loves me. That's why all of my friends hate me or can't stay together for the life of it. It also just feels like, as a result of all this, no one really cares. No one cares about me or what happens to me or what I've been going through because they're all busy being happy with their own lives. Well, I'm not naive enough to assume they all have great lives, but certainly most have it better than I do. Most have affection from someone and friends they can trust. I'm not trying to say I have it the worst of anyone ever because that's definitely not true. But emotionally I'm a wreck and this fact just flies over everyone. Maybe that's in part my fault since I try to dismiss it and put on almost an act. If I'm myself, though, I'm worried people will just think I'm depressing or something. But I'm getting on a tangent here. Even looking back at my life in the past, it's been shit. I was bullied for years by the people I called my friends (my only friends) for practically ... zero reason. I've had a shitty life mentally and emotionally (kinda hard not to when you don't really have supportive family and friends) and the worst part about it is I believed what everyone was saying. I felt inferior all the time to everyone and still do, in every aspect. I always believe they're more talented, more attractive, more appealing (personality-wise) than I am. And I feel like now I'll do anything to get ahead and feel better than someone, which I know is such a shitty thing to admit, but I can't help it. I've lived a life thinking I'm worse than everyone and being envious of everything around me.
RANT 4: ATTITUDE
My view on life has changed a lot, and with it my enjoyment. I can't, no matter how hard I try, enjoy things as I used to, even the things I used to love and know I still do love. I just lack the motivation to do them. This includes hobbies, schoolwork (I know I don't love doing this, but not the point), and hanging out with friends/going out. I can hardly find the motivation to write and it is NOT just writer's block. It's far more than that. I feel like I can't play my favorite video games because I just can't bring myself to do it and I feel out of energy all the time. The list goes on. I'm always either sad, unmotivated/not feeling into it, tired, or being elsewhere in thought. It's annoying, because I feel trapped. I can't get enjoyment out of my favorite things, or anything anymore. I always just want to sleep or do nothing, which is highly irritating. I also feel like my talents and any other skills or aspirations I have are useless, and that deep down I really have nothing significant to offer the world. So what little I do have, when I'm able to do it, it doesn't feel like enough. As I've said that, it should come as no surprise that I see absolutely no point to live and don't want to live who knows how many years more - what I mean by that is that people ask me where I see myself in 30 years, or what happens when I'm old in the future, and I can't answer because I've never thought that far and don't want to go that far. That doesn't mean I'm suicidal, but I don't really want a long life to be frank.
RANT 5: PEOPLE
People suck. I've come to realize this a long time ago. And accordingly, I have a lot to say on them. I'll start with me, first - not a complaint I have about myself, but to start it off. I feel like I try to be the best person that I can be but no one appreciates it and some people just loathe me anyway. I know people who hate me for literally no good reason and I've tried to make it up to them, and they say it's fine and instantly go back on it, because apparently it's not fine. This type of thing has happened with multiple people and it gets frustrating, because everyone is so damned fake. Anyway, how is this relevant? Because it feels like so many other people don't bother to try to be a good person. Personally, I've almost given up on it myself. Why try if you keep getting screwed over? I hate having to deal with liars, backstabbers and dishonesty at every corner, when I try to put out as much honesty as I can - I make a conscious effort to be real with people, even when it's hard. But shit people make it far in life, and never get comeuppance, while good people are left to rot. I'm not saying I'm a good person. I'm quite convinced that despite what I've said so far, I'm a pretty shitty person and I just don't realize how bad it is. But it's just a fact of the world now, I think; try to do good things and you get screwed over. It happens every time I try to do something nice or good for someone, and now I just don't trust anyone anymore. It honestly feels as though I have to assume a worse motive in people, which is what I do now when they're genuinely doing something nice for me, or when they compliment me or whatever. I always assume there's an ulterior motive, and my lack of trust in people is starting to get annoying. Then again, how else am I supposed to see it after all I've witnessed?
RANT 6: MENTAL STATE
So basically, I almost went back and lost my entire series of rants. But let's ignore that. I have a lot of mental issues - no proven mental disorders (I've never gotten checked and don't really care) but I mean issues that affect my mind just in and of themselves, no name or term attached. I think one that's affected me a lot both now and in the past is my "nervousness" (trying not to say anxiety because I don't want to assume I have any mental disorders which I might not, but I don't even mean it in the "mental disorder" way) in every situation and my inability to say no. It's such a weird feeling. You just feel like you don't want to fight it and that you'd rather not cause trouble, so you just acquiesce to the other person's demands. In some situations I'm a total fucking pushover and I'm not even okay with that. Of course, there ARE situations where I'm not. But yeah, and I overthink everything a ton, including everything I've done in the past. God forbid I do tell someone off or give them the truth because I feel like total shit about it afterward (and as the years have gone by I've been doing this more and more, but the way I feel about it after the fact remains relatively the same). I just feel like I don't wanna hurt people, emotionally/mentally or physically. But sometimes it's unavoidable and I need to begin to understand that better. My mind holds me back, and I hate it. Another thing that's sort of mental sort of not, but I'm counting it because it fucks with my mind and bothers me a lot, is my sexuality. I'm into guys, which isn't something I advertise. In fact, it's something I've not only tried to hide, but fucking loathe about myself. No offense to anyone who's like that here, but I keep thinking it's abnormal and weird and unnatural and just wrong. No basis to it whatsoever and I know that logically it's not, but I can't help that I think that way. I keep thinking it's something that's wrong with me, and that I wish I could have been born normal. It's fucked with my mind so hard. It makes everything harder, too. No one will say that it's easier, but I just keep thinking about how most people don't even have to think about their sexuality on a day to day basis, or worry about getting kicked out by their parents or shunned, or judged by every friend you tell it to. That's mind-blowing to me. And I've just grown to hate that different sexualities are even a thing, because I'd kill for my circumstance to be different. But since I don't want to go on at length about this, I'll just cap it off by saying I hate it about myself so much because I'm deeply ashamed of it.
The next thing is something I'm very speculative about, but I've noticed it nonetheless: my growing paranoia (as you can probably guess), and the fact that I literally feel as though I'm going mad. There's been times where I've nearly lost it. And where I've felt utterly tortured by my thoughts that were just almost overtaking me. It's such a lost, empty, powerless, and lonely feeling. You're literally being consumed by your own mind and it feels like there's no way out. The more that goes wrong, the more I succumb to those feelings and can't control it, and go through like fifty mental breakdowns in a day. I can hardly even describe it because the feeling is so surreal to me, but I have just noticed it a lot and I really worry for myself and my mental state in the future. To close this one-sided discussion off, another thing that's greatly fucking pissed me off that I don't believe is related but still heavily worries me is that I've become far more disorganized (like, uncontrollably; I have fifty plus tabs open in google chrome, in ONE window not to mention the other two I have, probably ten to fifteen google docs half of which serve the same purpose and/or I never use and are just full of disorganized thoughts I write down and feel like I'll forget later, I keep everything just in case I need it including notes and shit that is dated for organization's sake but then I just throw it in with everything else and
I won't continue because THIS in itself is getting to be disorganized). On the note of disorganization (which, by the way, is something that has always been present but has only developed to this level in recent years) and forgetting shit, my memory has definitely gotten worse as well. I'll try so hard to remember something and then forget. I'll keep my purpose for going into a room in mind for ten whole seconds, reminding myself constantly of it, until I get into the room and then utterly forget why I came in there. If there was a way to convey how truly bad this has gotten I would use it, but there isn't a proper one. I just forget things within seconds, spontaneously, and have to write everything down in order to remember it. I have, like, 200+ notes on my samsung phone, hundreds of google docs at least, if not thousands, for various purposes ... you get the picture. Mentally, I'm screwed in just about every way.
END NOTE:
I'm really sorry for the rants. I just needed to get a lot off my chest. I'm half believing, half hoping, no one will read this, anyway. I'd like to mention this isn't even everything that's been bothering me lately, it's just a part of it. Most of the rest is stuff I'm too touchy about to get into, or that crosses into territory that I'm uncomfortable with sharing. It covers a lot of it in one way or another, though.
Note: I split it up by titles so that it doesn't seem like one large essay, and each one could be commented on or read individually.
RANT 1: FRIENDS
To start off with the more specific aspects of my life, I have a totally dysfunctional group of friends who I love but I spend a lot of energy trying to keep them together and be there for them during all of their hardships and arguments. I've lost a lot of them because of some of these fights and only now have a few, who I value - and I don't regret losing the others as they pretty much showed their true colors - but my two best friends are in a relationship that I kind of third-wheel (and for some reason they enjoy this) and they fight ... a lot. It's a big argument every week at least, I would say. It's taxing on me because I try to help them through it (they ask, and I also feel obligated because it's my friendships too) but they're so damned stubborn and it takes forever to resolve anything. I'm just tired of the fighting because it's what I go through every day at home since I clash with my parents a lot due to my dad being a controlling dickhead and my mom always wanting more out of me than I feel I'm capable of - she never recognizes my efforts for anything, ever; in school, in trying to please her, in my personality. And the two of them fight all the time to the point where I have to constantly wonder if this is what real relationships look like and if healthy ones exist. I have to question every day how the two of them are still married and not separated. Anyways, I'll get to this later since it's a point of its own, but the concept I was getting at was that the fighting between everyone in my life is so fucking exhausting and having to deal with it between my friends does nothing to help that. The group fucks with my head so much, too - the girl in the relationship keeps, in simple terms, ditching her boyfriend to be with her ex for seemingly no goddamn reason at all, and it's getting tiresome. It's happened like 3-4 times by now and she hasn't accepted I guess that he's a control freak and a total ass and doesn't even trust her. The amount of times she's broken it off with him only to get back with him, and the amount of times it's fucked with my OTHER friend's head is astounding. Our dynamic as friends is always precarious and feels ready to break at any moment because of shit like this.
RANT 2: FAMILY
Anyways, onto my family and the issues surrounding them. I won't go into all of them because it's personal, but my dad is emotionally abusive and my mom is no help either. I also mentioned that my dad is controlling, to a point where I almost have to ask to get myself a simple drink. I can't use the microwave and oven because I don't know how, and it's fucking embarrassing - all because he's never allowed me to use them in his presence. I've grown up not knowing how to do the simplest shit because I've never been allowed to. I'm hardly allowed downstairs because if I am I have to have a good reason for it other than I fucking live here. I get bitched at constantly for small shit that shouldn't even matter - like, legitimately small shit. For example, the aforementioned getting myself something to drink. I get sworn at and called all sorts of names for everything I do, god forbid I act a certain way or do a certain thing. I can't do anything in this house without worry of having him get angry with me. And when I do get into an argument about it my mom steps in and tells us BOTH to stop and that we're both in the wrong. Well, like, thanks, but just because he's my dad doesn't mean I shouldn't stand up for myself when he's being an ass? I feel helpless and powerless since I can never do anything, and if I backtalk my mom she usually uses something as leverage against me or just shouts over me. My dad lost his job because he was an alcoholic and drank on the job seven years ago and I'm being told I can't do shit by a guy who hasn't worked in years and is well younger than retirement age. It's fucking bullshit. I don't have a ton to complain about with my mom, mostly because that's where a lot of the personal shit comes in, but essentially she appreciates literally no effort I put into anything. She knows I studied like hell for my Calculus course but god forbid I get an 82 because that's not good enough and brings my average down. She gets frustrated at me over nothing (definitely not limited to that) all the time and I always constantly feel like I'm the son they never wanted because they sure act like it. I'm definitely not living up to their expectations. And then my brother gets it much better, and it seems like they love him so much. Oh, right. No, they have told me before that they love him more than me, and that when we get into a feud they'll always take his side. Because he's younger, or because they care about him more, or because reasons. I've been given all three. My family has just never given me the affection I've felt desperate for and as y'all can see that has had a profound effect on my life. I'm not about to pretend that my family is the worst in the world, but they are far, far from the best and I really do not love them. As far as my other relatives go I've hardly been allowed to see them, the ones that do live here.
RANT 3: whatever the fuck this is not gonna lie
You know the saying if it can go wrong, it will? That's especially true about my life. It's felt like - no, it HAS been like, everything that could possibly go wrong has and will because I actually have the worst luck on the planet. This is obviously a hard thing to describe an anecdote for, especially since it's more in the grand scheme of things (you have to compile a ton of stuff together to realize "wow, that is some absurdly horrible luck") but it's like the universe actually hates me. Nothing ever goes my way, even when I desperately want or need it to. That's why no one loves me. That's why all of my friends hate me or can't stay together for the life of it. It also just feels like, as a result of all this, no one really cares. No one cares about me or what happens to me or what I've been going through because they're all busy being happy with their own lives. Well, I'm not naive enough to assume they all have great lives, but certainly most have it better than I do. Most have affection from someone and friends they can trust. I'm not trying to say I have it the worst of anyone ever because that's definitely not true. But emotionally I'm a wreck and this fact just flies over everyone. Maybe that's in part my fault since I try to dismiss it and put on almost an act. If I'm myself, though, I'm worried people will just think I'm depressing or something. But I'm getting on a tangent here. Even looking back at my life in the past, it's been shit. I was bullied for years by the people I called my friends (my only friends) for practically ... zero reason. I've had a shitty life mentally and emotionally (kinda hard not to when you don't really have supportive family and friends) and the worst part about it is I believed what everyone was saying. I felt inferior all the time to everyone and still do, in every aspect. I always believe they're more talented, more attractive, more appealing (personality-wise) than I am. And I feel like now I'll do anything to get ahead and feel better than someone, which I know is such a shitty thing to admit, but I can't help it. I've lived a life thinking I'm worse than everyone and being envious of everything around me.
RANT 4: ATTITUDE
My view on life has changed a lot, and with it my enjoyment. I can't, no matter how hard I try, enjoy things as I used to, even the things I used to love and know I still do love. I just lack the motivation to do them. This includes hobbies, schoolwork (I know I don't love doing this, but not the point), and hanging out with friends/going out. I can hardly find the motivation to write and it is NOT just writer's block. It's far more than that. I feel like I can't play my favorite video games because I just can't bring myself to do it and I feel out of energy all the time. The list goes on. I'm always either sad, unmotivated/not feeling into it, tired, or being elsewhere in thought. It's annoying, because I feel trapped. I can't get enjoyment out of my favorite things, or anything anymore. I always just want to sleep or do nothing, which is highly irritating. I also feel like my talents and any other skills or aspirations I have are useless, and that deep down I really have nothing significant to offer the world. So what little I do have, when I'm able to do it, it doesn't feel like enough. As I've said that, it should come as no surprise that I see absolutely no point to live and don't want to live who knows how many years more - what I mean by that is that people ask me where I see myself in 30 years, or what happens when I'm old in the future, and I can't answer because I've never thought that far and don't want to go that far. That doesn't mean I'm suicidal, but I don't really want a long life to be frank.
RANT 5: PEOPLE
People suck. I've come to realize this a long time ago. And accordingly, I have a lot to say on them. I'll start with me, first - not a complaint I have about myself, but to start it off. I feel like I try to be the best person that I can be but no one appreciates it and some people just loathe me anyway. I know people who hate me for literally no good reason and I've tried to make it up to them, and they say it's fine and instantly go back on it, because apparently it's not fine. This type of thing has happened with multiple people and it gets frustrating, because everyone is so damned fake. Anyway, how is this relevant? Because it feels like so many other people don't bother to try to be a good person. Personally, I've almost given up on it myself. Why try if you keep getting screwed over? I hate having to deal with liars, backstabbers and dishonesty at every corner, when I try to put out as much honesty as I can - I make a conscious effort to be real with people, even when it's hard. But shit people make it far in life, and never get comeuppance, while good people are left to rot. I'm not saying I'm a good person. I'm quite convinced that despite what I've said so far, I'm a pretty shitty person and I just don't realize how bad it is. But it's just a fact of the world now, I think; try to do good things and you get screwed over. It happens every time I try to do something nice or good for someone, and now I just don't trust anyone anymore. It honestly feels as though I have to assume a worse motive in people, which is what I do now when they're genuinely doing something nice for me, or when they compliment me or whatever. I always assume there's an ulterior motive, and my lack of trust in people is starting to get annoying. Then again, how else am I supposed to see it after all I've witnessed?
RANT 6: MENTAL STATE
So basically, I almost went back and lost my entire series of rants. But let's ignore that. I have a lot of mental issues - no proven mental disorders (I've never gotten checked and don't really care) but I mean issues that affect my mind just in and of themselves, no name or term attached. I think one that's affected me a lot both now and in the past is my "nervousness" (trying not to say anxiety because I don't want to assume I have any mental disorders which I might not, but I don't even mean it in the "mental disorder" way) in every situation and my inability to say no. It's such a weird feeling. You just feel like you don't want to fight it and that you'd rather not cause trouble, so you just acquiesce to the other person's demands. In some situations I'm a total fucking pushover and I'm not even okay with that. Of course, there ARE situations where I'm not. But yeah, and I overthink everything a ton, including everything I've done in the past. God forbid I do tell someone off or give them the truth because I feel like total shit about it afterward (and as the years have gone by I've been doing this more and more, but the way I feel about it after the fact remains relatively the same). I just feel like I don't wanna hurt people, emotionally/mentally or physically. But sometimes it's unavoidable and I need to begin to understand that better. My mind holds me back, and I hate it. Another thing that's sort of mental sort of not, but I'm counting it because it fucks with my mind and bothers me a lot, is my sexuality. I'm into guys, which isn't something I advertise. In fact, it's something I've not only tried to hide, but fucking loathe about myself. No offense to anyone who's like that here, but I keep thinking it's abnormal and weird and unnatural and just wrong. No basis to it whatsoever and I know that logically it's not, but I can't help that I think that way. I keep thinking it's something that's wrong with me, and that I wish I could have been born normal. It's fucked with my mind so hard. It makes everything harder, too. No one will say that it's easier, but I just keep thinking about how most people don't even have to think about their sexuality on a day to day basis, or worry about getting kicked out by their parents or shunned, or judged by every friend you tell it to. That's mind-blowing to me. And I've just grown to hate that different sexualities are even a thing, because I'd kill for my circumstance to be different. But since I don't want to go on at length about this, I'll just cap it off by saying I hate it about myself so much because I'm deeply ashamed of it.
The next thing is something I'm very speculative about, but I've noticed it nonetheless: my growing paranoia (as you can probably guess), and the fact that I literally feel as though I'm going mad. There's been times where I've nearly lost it. And where I've felt utterly tortured by my thoughts that were just almost overtaking me. It's such a lost, empty, powerless, and lonely feeling. You're literally being consumed by your own mind and it feels like there's no way out. The more that goes wrong, the more I succumb to those feelings and can't control it, and go through like fifty mental breakdowns in a day. I can hardly even describe it because the feeling is so surreal to me, but I have just noticed it a lot and I really worry for myself and my mental state in the future. To close this one-sided discussion off, another thing that's greatly fucking pissed me off that I don't believe is related but still heavily worries me is that I've become far more disorganized (like, uncontrollably; I have fifty plus tabs open in google chrome, in ONE window not to mention the other two I have, probably ten to fifteen google docs half of which serve the same purpose and/or I never use and are just full of disorganized thoughts I write down and feel like I'll forget later, I keep everything just in case I need it including notes and shit that is dated for organization's sake but then I just throw it in with everything else and
I won't continue because THIS in itself is getting to be disorganized). On the note of disorganization (which, by the way, is something that has always been present but has only developed to this level in recent years) and forgetting shit, my memory has definitely gotten worse as well. I'll try so hard to remember something and then forget. I'll keep my purpose for going into a room in mind for ten whole seconds, reminding myself constantly of it, until I get into the room and then utterly forget why I came in there. If there was a way to convey how truly bad this has gotten I would use it, but there isn't a proper one. I just forget things within seconds, spontaneously, and have to write everything down in order to remember it. I have, like, 200+ notes on my samsung phone, hundreds of google docs at least, if not thousands, for various purposes ... you get the picture. Mentally, I'm screwed in just about every way.END NOTE:
I'm really sorry for the rants. I just needed to get a lot off my chest. I'm half believing, half hoping, no one will read this, anyway. I'd like to mention this isn't even everything that's been bothering me lately, it's just a part of it. Most of the rest is stuff I'm too touchy about to get into, or that crosses into territory that I'm uncomfortable with sharing. It covers a lot of it in one way or another, though.
